The aspects of my psyche, like three squabbling adolescents, have been fighting for dominance on how my brain interprets the external world and here I am, sat on the sidelines, scared to break it up in case I get hurt.
Now, I don't regard myself as particularly brave, but by allowing fear - the opposite of bravery - to pollute my thoughts I feel as though I'm constantly running away from an unseen foe, one intent on stoking base insecurities and laughing mockingly in my face. This lack of control makes me anxious, and my anxiety frightens me.
We have a problem...
It's been a long time since I last felt like this, and as much as I'd like to focus the blame on my career, people, or some other overriding influence, I find the hands grasping tightly around my neck are my own!
I've been insecure about my own intellect and abilities, felt jealous, become angry at the most insignificant thing and found myself once again swimming in the waters of nihilistic self-reflection. Only I don't know how to swim. And I've left my float on the side of the pool...
What's the point? Really?!
- Deep Breathing
- Progressive Muscle Relaxation
- Yoga
Hmm, I'll stick to arguing with myself out loud, writing an on-line diary, drinking copious amounts of red wine and throwing myself aggressively down hillsides on my awesome mountain bike thank you very much.
Maybe I just need to get away?
Thankfully my better half now has a government-issued document that certifies his identity and nationality for the purpose of international travel, and we are currently making plans for our first trip away together.
Bruges - I can almost taste the beer as I step out into the night and breathe in the cold winter air.
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