Singing the Winter Blues

For some reason the DPD driver chooses not to overtake me on a blind corner this morning. I wave, the rain hiding my tears from his judgement. Maybe he knows?

I'm often possessed with an overbearing feeling for beauty; my childlike fascination opens my eyes to the smaller things, but as I lay here starring out into a dark and gloomy October my mind seems to be recruiting demons for the others to play with.

My alarm goes off. Eurgh...

We all go through times of self-evaluation, low mood and a lack of passion for life which make us question whatever it is our hearts truly desire - it’s constant stopping and starting terrifies me. But lately I've found myself turning up late to the battle, arriving just in time to look out over the tableau of forgotten dreams. Was the risk for disappointment too great? Did I fear losing out, or walking away empty handed?

It’s been weeks since I felt truly myself. The list of excuses includes work, drink, pain and the codeine designed to block it all out. I'm still finding time to be creative but it comes and goes like the rhythm of the tides. Recently a door has been opened, behind which goblins lurk and dragons rule and as friends together we fight against these fantastical creatures in the realm of shared imagination. But like waking from an enjoyable dream we eventually get dragged back to reality, kicking and screaming…

The trees planted last year are yet to bear fruit, and with all the intention in the world it’s only down to my lack of discipline that this years harvest has been weak. I guess the time has come to once again consider taking up a new hobby, to learn a new skill. But it’s also the time of year where the skies are grey and the house is warm. The outside is cold and wet; its dark waters fill my lungs as I sink to the bottom of its lonely abyss.

Is this a seasonal disorder?

Whatever it is I don’t like it. I feel secondary, alone, vulnerable and it can’t be long before I'm permanently wounded or destroyed completely. 

A holiday approaches; maybe this time will serve me well in being more decisive. I'd also like to plan ahead with 'that guy', I think we could both use a target at which to aim our ambition.